I lost my grandma last night. My dad's mom. I got a text from my mom during my presentation in class saying to give her a call when I got a chance. Having an inkling that it might be important but having no idea what, I called her on my 10 minute break. That was the last news I expected to hear.
I often joke that I have two emotions - happiness and rage. I find in situations like this, with loss, and most especially with unexpected loss, my brain just doesn't know how to process the feelings. I don't feel sad, I just feel... nothing. It's like a void where I know feelings should be. Perhaps it's because I didn't get the chance to say goodbye. I didn't see it coming. It doesn't seem real yet. MY life continues on, but it continues with a nagging feeling that something is different and missing, but that the reality of that something hasn't triggered yet.
I did have an incredible craving last night for a big bowl of Count Chocula. Growing up, she always kept a stash of chocolate cereal. She knew my mom didn't buy us sugary cereal so when I'd go over I'd say "Grandma, I'm starving! My parents don't feed me! Can I have a bowl of chocolate cereal?" (I was always well fed and was often just coming from a meal. I was just such a little stinker.) She was on to my game but would always laugh and say "What?? Your parents don't feed you? You poor thing. Come and have a bowl of cereal."
Years later (and even the last time I saw her) we would joke about that. She'd laugh and laugh and say "You were always so hungry!" Grandma was never one to be verbally affectionate but it was one of the ways you knew she loved you. One of the many, many ways.
Reading through my extended family's Facebook posts this morning, I am reminded by how much Grandma meant to all of us, and the different experiences we each had with her. For Papa and all his siblings, I can't even imagine how hard this must be. Both parents are gone now and both unexpected. It's hard to lose a grandparent but I cannot even begin to fathom what it is like to lose a parent. I hope I don't have to experience that for a long, long, long, long, long, long (you get the picture) time. And I have so many cousins, and second cousins, all who knew and loved Grandma and are experiencing loss today and an influx of memories.
Here's what I remember about Grandma:
She had a great laugh and it came easily. She was one of the most stubborn, crazy and hardworking women I've ever met (I see a lot of myself in her). I remember when she bought that big old funeral home and then poured years of herself into fixing it up. We all thought she'd lost it, but she proved us all wrong. Grandma was tough. Nothing ever seemed to phase her. She would give you the clothes off her back. She made the best scalloped potatoes in the world. She was supportive. She could come across as gruff, but you always knew there was a soft interior. It meant the world to her when you came to visit - whether you were coming from just down the street or from a different state. Grandkids were always welcome (which was good because she had a lot of them!) and the door was always unlocked. I remember times where all the cousins would be packed in like sardines in sleeping bags on the living room floor. She was musical but preferred to showcase others instead of herself. She was incredibly loyal to the things she thought were right. She loved her family.
Today I'm reminded that this life is precious. I can't go through life feeling guilty that I didn't call more or visit more. Grandma knew she was loved - I'm sure of it. But it's a great reminder, as my life continues on, to make time in my life for the people I love... to take a break from the craziness to make a call, or visit, or forgive, and tell the people in my life that I love them. Because I love deeply. And life is short. And you never know when it's going to end. But it's an incredible joy to know that unending life lies beyond. And Grandma is there - celebrating, partying, laughing, and waiting.
