Hearing news of a loved one passing is a lot like hearing about a national catastrophe - you will always remember where you were when you heard the news. I will always remember that I was on a train heading to Chicago (away from my family) when I got the call that Granda passed away. It was not an unexpected call nor a dreaded one, since he was ready to go. But it still made me very sad. I am so wonderfully grateful that he was in my life for the past 28 years and I'm so so thankful that was my mom was able to be with him all day today - just sitting and holding his hand and talking to him. I'm also thankful that he went quickly. It was less than 2 weeks ago that he began his rapid decline.
There is nothing like death to make you think about life - life lived and life yet to come. Over the last week and especially now, I am flooded with memories of Granda. I want to share some of my favorites.
1) When I was a fairly young girl, Granda pulled out the little wooden flute that he had played in a marching pipe band in Northern Ireland. He always played this cheery little tune. I loved it! When I got a little older I started playing the flute and I learned to play that little tune. I remember how thrilled he was! I still remember it and play it now and then. I think I'm the only person he passed that down to so I will always remember and will pass it on to my children and tell them about their Great Granda.
2) My family is big on tradition and one that I cherish most is Christmas Eve. The entire family always congregates at Granda and Nanny's, usually really late at night after our respective Christmas Eve services, and we'd feast. And then Granda would read the Christmas story from Luke. Every year. No matter who reads that story now, I always have, and always will hear it in a raspy, Irish brogue.
3) I love that growing up I always lived on Granda's farms. I remember my very first day of Kindergarten going out to the barn before getting on the bus to see Granda. I remember how he taught me to yell in the silo and hear the echo. As I grew up, one of my favorite things was getting to help on the hay wagon. Granda would call and we'd don our leather gloves and either scurry up the piles of hay in the wagon or run up to the loft in the barn to catch the hay on the other end and stack it neatly. It was hot and dirty and scratchy but we loved being able to help Granda. And before I was too big to help I loved that it was my job to carry down glasses of cold water! And he was always so strong. I remember him picking up heavy hay bales that had fallen off the elevator and hoisting them high over the side of the wagon. I remember one time feeling just sick because I'd been helping with hay in the wagon, and Granda let me use the ice pick he'd brought with him from Ireland to grab hold of the bales. We were finished and taking the wagon back up into the field. I had hung the ice pick over the side of the wagon and it fell off somewhere. I knew that it was Granda's favorite and I searched and searched for it but never found it. Granda was so sweet about it though. He never got mad, never made me feel bad... But doing hay was never quite as easy after that without the pick.
4) I remember Granda spending his time giving the family, and often a gang of our friends, hayrides in the back fields. I loved the hayrides and loved having a Granda who did it for us so willingly and so often. But even better than the hayride was when he'd let me sit up next to him on the tractor itself! I would sit up there and grin and sing and I felt that I was on top of the world.
5) I remember a lot of little things like how he was always puttering around fixing the tractors, and how my friends couldn't always understand his accent and the ones who didn't ask me to interpret would sometimes leave asking "what did he say??" I remember his lectures. You knew you were loved if you got a Granda lecture. I remember how he always told me how pretty I was and comment on how tall I was and then he'd crack up when I'd show him my 3 inch heels. I remember how he'd always lecture us on health and how he swore he got his strength and energy because he only ever ate Total or oatmeal for breakfast. Later in life he decided he liked McDonalds breakfast better. I'll remember how he developed a fondness for Pepsi in the last week of his life, never really being a soda drinker before that. He loved to sing and I always loved hearing him sing in church. And he loved it when mom and i would sing together. He even taught me how to dance a jig!
6) One of my favorite memories will always be the year we went to Ireland with Granda and Nanny. There was nothing more special than getting to drive through the town he worked in, or sitting in the house he grew up in and hearing stories of his childhood. It was fun hearing him reminisce with his brother and sister about their times together. They laughed so much! He always told us the story about the day he left for America - how they stood on the deck of the ship and waved to the shore and sang "fare thee well to the green fields of Ireland." Granda knew that trip would be his last to the homeland and my seat on the plane was in front of his when we took off for home. It was a beautifully clear day (somewhat unusual for Ireland) and as I watched Ireland grow smaller I heard Granda singing softly behind me, "fare thee well to the green fields of Ireland."
7) I'll remember that the last thing I ever said to Granda was that I loved him.
And standing in the back of the train thinking about Granda's life and death, I think of my own life. I believe that I will see Granda again someday, and not as the frail man that just moved on, but as the strong, healthy man he always was. It certainly takes the sting (though not all the pain) out of his death. I keep thinking of the way C.S. Lewis describes heaven at the end of The Last Battle and how this life is merely the cover and title page and I know that Granda is just now starting chapter one of the best story ever.
So yes, our family lost a deeply loved Patriarch today and the world lost a really great man. But heaven is rejoicing and I can't help but smile when I think that Granda is now reunited with his parents and brothers and is in the place his heart always longed to be. I love you, Granda. You will be greatly missed but I will see you again.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Monday, May 21, 2012
Short Stories of an Irishman
The last few days have been challenging for my family. My Granda (grandfather), always healthy and on the go, was just diagnosed with cancer and has begun a VERY rapid decline. Because of who my grandfather is, none of us want to see him suffer for a long time but it's the first time in my own life that I've watched someone I love go from life to death so quickly. My dad's dad died when I was twelve - very unexpectedly during a routine surgery. So although that death was hard, all the grieving was post-death. We didn't have to watch him decline. That being said, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about life and what it means. My Granda's life is always one that I've wanted to emulate - it's full of adventure and love and godliness...
That being said, let me tell you a couple short stories.
The first story is one of adventure, endurance, hard work and success.
Granda was the second of four siblings born in Northern Ireland to a farming family. Although he was very smart, he had to leave school at 14 to help with the farm. By his early 20's he owned and ran his own flax mill. Also, in his early twenties he decided his life needed some adventure and change so he sold the flax mill, bought a ticket, hopped on an ocean liner and came to America. Once here, he bought a motorcycle and a farm. He was very successful and ended up with 4 farms! He worked those farms for years and years and when he "retired" he gave up the dairy cows, sold 3 of the farms and still kept on farming the fourth. I can't remember a day in my growing up life that I didn't see Granda out baling hay or fixing tractors. Even into his mid 80s he was out there throwing hay bales.
Now let me tell you a love story.
Granda had been in the US for quite a few years... working hard on the farm... enjoying the single life... when one day his cousin asked if he would give her a ride to Pennsylvania to visit one of her friends. Granda said yes and off they went. As he pulled into the house and he saw a beautiful 16 year old girl walking up the hill, pals of water in hand, handkerchief around her hair. Granda took one look at her and said "that's the girl I'm going to marry." So he met her and wooed her, and they wrote letters back and forth for 2 years until she was 18 (and he was 32) and they got married and he brought her to New York. Fifty five years, 5 children, 13 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild later, they are still very much in love. You don't see many marriages like that anymore. A few years ago they were telling us how their car was getting close to 200,000 miles so they watched the odometer and when it hit them mark they "pulled over and smooched." I think that is one of the cutest stories ever.
The third story is about godliness.
I don't have a specific story to share because Granda's life is, as a whole, a story of godliness. I remember hearing so many stories of him telling Jehovah's Witness about Jesus when they came to his door, or friends that would stop in and visit, or even the folks at McDonalds. No matter where he went, people knew him and loved. It was impossible not to. And everywhere he went people knew what the most important thing in his life was - his God and his family.
What a rich, rich family heritage I have!
That being said, let me tell you a couple short stories.
The first story is one of adventure, endurance, hard work and success.
Granda was the second of four siblings born in Northern Ireland to a farming family. Although he was very smart, he had to leave school at 14 to help with the farm. By his early 20's he owned and ran his own flax mill. Also, in his early twenties he decided his life needed some adventure and change so he sold the flax mill, bought a ticket, hopped on an ocean liner and came to America. Once here, he bought a motorcycle and a farm. He was very successful and ended up with 4 farms! He worked those farms for years and years and when he "retired" he gave up the dairy cows, sold 3 of the farms and still kept on farming the fourth. I can't remember a day in my growing up life that I didn't see Granda out baling hay or fixing tractors. Even into his mid 80s he was out there throwing hay bales.
Now let me tell you a love story.
Granda had been in the US for quite a few years... working hard on the farm... enjoying the single life... when one day his cousin asked if he would give her a ride to Pennsylvania to visit one of her friends. Granda said yes and off they went. As he pulled into the house and he saw a beautiful 16 year old girl walking up the hill, pals of water in hand, handkerchief around her hair. Granda took one look at her and said "that's the girl I'm going to marry." So he met her and wooed her, and they wrote letters back and forth for 2 years until she was 18 (and he was 32) and they got married and he brought her to New York. Fifty five years, 5 children, 13 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild later, they are still very much in love. You don't see many marriages like that anymore. A few years ago they were telling us how their car was getting close to 200,000 miles so they watched the odometer and when it hit them mark they "pulled over and smooched." I think that is one of the cutest stories ever.
The third story is about godliness.
I don't have a specific story to share because Granda's life is, as a whole, a story of godliness. I remember hearing so many stories of him telling Jehovah's Witness about Jesus when they came to his door, or friends that would stop in and visit, or even the folks at McDonalds. No matter where he went, people knew him and loved. It was impossible not to. And everywhere he went people knew what the most important thing in his life was - his God and his family.
What a rich, rich family heritage I have!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Strengths and Weaknesses
Awhile back I took the Strength Finders 2.0 test. (It was fascinating and I highly recommend it for everyone!) I went in to it feeling pretty darn confident that I knew what my top 5 strengths would be. I was right on 3/5. Two were fairly surprising, being I hadn't even put them in my list of secondary strengths. My 5 strengths are as follows.
Communication
Woo
Consistency
Positivity
Input
The ones I was surprised about were Consistency and Input. Once I read the definitions and really thought about it, I could see how that made sense. I often think about my strengths when I'm in work and social situations. I think about how I can use these strengths to create a better environment for me and those around me. But I got to pondering the other day (sometimes I do that) and I had this realization - just as people always talk about how our weaknesses can be our strengths, strengths can also be the source of our greatest weaknesses. I am a perfect example. It has often been characteristics of these 5 strengths that have put me in positions in which I am very, very weak.
I will give a general example. #2 on my list is Woo. Send me into a social situation (say a bar, for example), and I am most happy when I can just flit and float from person to person, meeting new people, finding out about them, etc. etc. By the end of an evening I have made many new acquaintances, learned many things about people and shared many "interesting" tidbits about myself. That's fine! It's a great skill to have when job interviewing, finding a new church, etc.
However, one of my top 5 strengths is not prudence. So sometimes I have a hard time finding the line of "how much information is too much to share with someone I just met." Also, I tend to lack sensitivity and don't think about the fact that I may have gone to the bar with someone who is not as social as I am, and came to spend time with me and then I have ditched them in favor of meeting and chatting with many other people whilst they are left alone feeling quite uncomfortable. And possibly hurt. Or angry.
That being said, I was thinking the other day that it's great to know what my strengths are so that I can hone them, use them to my advantage. But I would like it if someone put together a "Weakness Finders 2.0" test. I can sit and list of a lot of weaknesses I'm aware of: stubbornness, impatience, anger... (I could go on and on) but I have a feeling that if I could really identify my 5 greatest weaknesses, 1) I might be surprised as to what they actually are (kind of like consistency and input - once they are identified they make sense but I never would have identified them myself) and 2) I could make a solid effort and strengthening those areas. I have a feeling putting concentrated effort in to those areas would automatically clean up a lot of other areas in my life. But right now, just looking at list of 5 strengths and what i feel is a list of 5000 weaknesses, I don't even know where to start. It's so daunting.
So if you, reader, are someone who's interested in psychology and have an entrepreneurial kind of brain (I do not), I charge you with coming up with a "Weaknesses" test. I would take it!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Life is Like a Box of Chocolates
Forrest Gump once said: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
As I reflect on the last few (or more) years of my life, I can say that that has never felt so true. At the same time, I'm also torn by this sentiment because I also feel that life is what you make it. Let me set up my current situation in life for you. It was not too long ago that I took one big long look at my life and thought to myself "Who am I?"
Rewind 28 (almost 29) years. I was born. I grew up in a really functional, healthy, loving family. I was a "good" kid overall. I graduated from high school. I went to college. I met a good man and fell in love. I got engaged. I graduated from college summa cum laude with a degree in Music Composition. I got a job. I got married. The first 22 years of my life went by very quickly (although sometimes not quickly enough for my taste) and fairly easily. The day I got married I felt like I knew who I was and what I wanted in life.
Fast forward 6 years to a couple weeks ago when my husband looked at me and said "I don't know who you are anymore." I really couldn't get angry because in that moment I realized that I didn't know who I was either. And I didn't know where I was going. I had a good job but other than that I had no real purpose.
So that's why I decided to start this blog. I've blogged in the past and it was really helpful for 1) my sanity and 2) processing. I like to look back and see where I've been. And at times when where I've been is not something i want to be reminded of, its incentive to move forward. So this is going to be a blog that I write whilst "rediscovering myself."
One thing that I DO know about me is this. I'm a planner. If I don't have a plan, nothing is going to change and I'm not going to go anywhere or do anything or become anything different from what I am now. And I want to be more than that... for my sake, for my husband's sake, for any future children that we may have someday's sake...So I've decided that there are some basic habits that I want/need to start practicing to kick off this time of self-discovery. It's going to be my 10-step plan to Rediscovering Me.
1) Honesty/Transparency. If I can't be honest about my past and present, to others or myself, then I don't have a basis or foundation for any kind of change. I've learned that one must get to the bottom of their rottenness and lostness or whatever you want to call it, in order to build a new foundation.
2) Continual Learning. My brain is never idle. Ever. And I've decided that one way to focus my life and move forward, not just sit complacently in the present, and to make myself ever-better (in the spirit of my employer's motto), is to continue my education. That being said, I'm going to enroll in a Masters Program in the fall. I'm going to pursue a Masters of Science in Higher Education Administration (and perhaps specializing in Student Affairs). And although I balk at giving up the free time I have to reading text books and paper writing for the next who-knows-how-many years, I'm excited for the things I'll learn, the way it will discipline me (because juggling full-time work at this job and school is going to take major discipline or I will fail miserably) and the potential is has to further my career, which I really enjoy.
3) Kindness. Don't get me wrong, I'm a nice enough person. I like most people and, as a whole, I think most people like me. I'm friendly, that's for sure. But there is more to kindness that friendliness. So I'm going to work on basic kindness, starting with those closest to me, and the ones that are often the hardest to be kind to.
4) Incorporate adventure into my life in healthy ways. I may be structured and not very spontaneous at all, but I am most definitely an adrenaline junky. And I find that when I get bored or my life has no element of adventure or risk, I get in to trouble. So, I would love some ideas from you, readers, on healthy ways to have adventure in your life.
5) Exercise. I find that I just feel better when I exercise. I feel better about me and therefore, feel better about those around me. Maybe it's just the endorphins, but I think I'm definitely more pleasant to be around when I'm feeling fit and healthy.
6) Laugh more. I used to laugh all the time. And I realized not too long ago that laughter hasn't been as prevalent in our house. And I want it to be something that I do with my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers... Laughter truly is the best medicine.
7) Try new ways of doing old things. I am a very habitual person. I get ready the exact same way every morning. So, rather than get frustrated when my ways aren't working, I want to work on finding new ways to do things that may have a better result. Seems so "duh" but it's hard for me. I'm stubborn. I want MY way to work.
8) Positivity. I took the Strength Finders 2.0 test not too long ago and Positivity was in my top 5. And I think most people would see me that way. But the more I've looked deeper into myself, I realize that I have become pretty pessimistic and helpless about things that are closest to me. And I want that to change. I want to expect the best and strive for the best.
9) Invest in friendships. At this stage in my life I have a lot of acquaintances but very few close friends. And that has been the pattern for most of my life. But I really want to put forth more energy in investing in those friendships because, with the way my life has been in the past few years, those friends haven't known the real me.
10) Love. I love my husband and in the past little while my feelings of love for him have increased exponentially. But I have been really really crappy at showing him the last few years. And although a "start over" or "clean slate" is impossible, I want to start as new and fresh as we can. Because we are one, and the whole purpose of marriage (I'm learning) is not just sharing a house and finances and a bed, but sharing life - so rediscovering myself also means rediscovering (or maybe just truly discovering for the first time) him. And the man I'm married to now is vastly different from the man I married 6 years ago... just as I am a very different person. And in rediscovering myself, I have to open myself up so that HE can also rediscover me. Life is about learning and growing together and I feel that we have really failed in that area and it's something that I want to change more than anything else in the world.
So all that said, I am Cherith Ann and this is my new beginning.
As I reflect on the last few (or more) years of my life, I can say that that has never felt so true. At the same time, I'm also torn by this sentiment because I also feel that life is what you make it. Let me set up my current situation in life for you. It was not too long ago that I took one big long look at my life and thought to myself "Who am I?"
Rewind 28 (almost 29) years. I was born. I grew up in a really functional, healthy, loving family. I was a "good" kid overall. I graduated from high school. I went to college. I met a good man and fell in love. I got engaged. I graduated from college summa cum laude with a degree in Music Composition. I got a job. I got married. The first 22 years of my life went by very quickly (although sometimes not quickly enough for my taste) and fairly easily. The day I got married I felt like I knew who I was and what I wanted in life.
Fast forward 6 years to a couple weeks ago when my husband looked at me and said "I don't know who you are anymore." I really couldn't get angry because in that moment I realized that I didn't know who I was either. And I didn't know where I was going. I had a good job but other than that I had no real purpose.
So that's why I decided to start this blog. I've blogged in the past and it was really helpful for 1) my sanity and 2) processing. I like to look back and see where I've been. And at times when where I've been is not something i want to be reminded of, its incentive to move forward. So this is going to be a blog that I write whilst "rediscovering myself."
One thing that I DO know about me is this. I'm a planner. If I don't have a plan, nothing is going to change and I'm not going to go anywhere or do anything or become anything different from what I am now. And I want to be more than that... for my sake, for my husband's sake, for any future children that we may have someday's sake...So I've decided that there are some basic habits that I want/need to start practicing to kick off this time of self-discovery. It's going to be my 10-step plan to Rediscovering Me.
1) Honesty/Transparency. If I can't be honest about my past and present, to others or myself, then I don't have a basis or foundation for any kind of change. I've learned that one must get to the bottom of their rottenness and lostness or whatever you want to call it, in order to build a new foundation.
2) Continual Learning. My brain is never idle. Ever. And I've decided that one way to focus my life and move forward, not just sit complacently in the present, and to make myself ever-better (in the spirit of my employer's motto), is to continue my education. That being said, I'm going to enroll in a Masters Program in the fall. I'm going to pursue a Masters of Science in Higher Education Administration (and perhaps specializing in Student Affairs). And although I balk at giving up the free time I have to reading text books and paper writing for the next who-knows-how-many years, I'm excited for the things I'll learn, the way it will discipline me (because juggling full-time work at this job and school is going to take major discipline or I will fail miserably) and the potential is has to further my career, which I really enjoy.
3) Kindness. Don't get me wrong, I'm a nice enough person. I like most people and, as a whole, I think most people like me. I'm friendly, that's for sure. But there is more to kindness that friendliness. So I'm going to work on basic kindness, starting with those closest to me, and the ones that are often the hardest to be kind to.
4) Incorporate adventure into my life in healthy ways. I may be structured and not very spontaneous at all, but I am most definitely an adrenaline junky. And I find that when I get bored or my life has no element of adventure or risk, I get in to trouble. So, I would love some ideas from you, readers, on healthy ways to have adventure in your life.
5) Exercise. I find that I just feel better when I exercise. I feel better about me and therefore, feel better about those around me. Maybe it's just the endorphins, but I think I'm definitely more pleasant to be around when I'm feeling fit and healthy.
6) Laugh more. I used to laugh all the time. And I realized not too long ago that laughter hasn't been as prevalent in our house. And I want it to be something that I do with my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers... Laughter truly is the best medicine.
7) Try new ways of doing old things. I am a very habitual person. I get ready the exact same way every morning. So, rather than get frustrated when my ways aren't working, I want to work on finding new ways to do things that may have a better result. Seems so "duh" but it's hard for me. I'm stubborn. I want MY way to work.
8) Positivity. I took the Strength Finders 2.0 test not too long ago and Positivity was in my top 5. And I think most people would see me that way. But the more I've looked deeper into myself, I realize that I have become pretty pessimistic and helpless about things that are closest to me. And I want that to change. I want to expect the best and strive for the best.
9) Invest in friendships. At this stage in my life I have a lot of acquaintances but very few close friends. And that has been the pattern for most of my life. But I really want to put forth more energy in investing in those friendships because, with the way my life has been in the past few years, those friends haven't known the real me.
10) Love. I love my husband and in the past little while my feelings of love for him have increased exponentially. But I have been really really crappy at showing him the last few years. And although a "start over" or "clean slate" is impossible, I want to start as new and fresh as we can. Because we are one, and the whole purpose of marriage (I'm learning) is not just sharing a house and finances and a bed, but sharing life - so rediscovering myself also means rediscovering (or maybe just truly discovering for the first time) him. And the man I'm married to now is vastly different from the man I married 6 years ago... just as I am a very different person. And in rediscovering myself, I have to open myself up so that HE can also rediscover me. Life is about learning and growing together and I feel that we have really failed in that area and it's something that I want to change more than anything else in the world.
So all that said, I am Cherith Ann and this is my new beginning.
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