What an insane month. Work craziness, anniversary party craziness, Christmas craziness, eating way too much food and exercising way too little craziness, having to leave NC a day early due to this crazy snow storm...
I think you get the picture. This month has been crazy. And lovely. And full of laughter and love and warmth (both in the coziness of our home and the 62 degree weather in NC - gosh it was hard to come back north).
We started one week by renewing our vows (in a beautiful service - and yes, i did cry through the whole thing) and ended it by witnessing two dear friends get married. Excellent bookends to a crazy week! Work was full of food and parties and bonding and not as many meetings as usual.
Our trip to NC was fun although it didnt go quite as expected. Chick-fil-a was not to be had since we forgot they aren't opened on Sunday (thus ruining our dinner plans on the way down), or on Christmas (thwarting our chance to eat on the way home). We loved having time with the Meeks family and had a blast sharing a hotel room with Rob and Kate, where the brothers bonded over Halo and Minecraft and Kate and I over wine and cheese! Our Christmas Day plans, however, went to the dogs because of the storm. We all ended up leaving a day early. So instead of room service and Les Miserables, we spent 7 hours in the car, realizing that NOTHING is open on Christmas. We tried to do dinner and a movie but it was sold out. So we ate in our car at a Sheetz. Not the fancy meal I was hoping for but still delicious. On the bright side, there was no traffic and we had great weather. We did end up getting to see the movie, just a day late, and it was worth the wait. And Charles and I had a fun time traveling together: talking and flirting and laughing and listening to Bossy Pants and Life of Pi audiobooks.
Christmas this year was so meaningful. Our church really helped get me be in the spirit of Advent. Our time with family was thoughtful and full of joy and love. My husband is definitely the gift whisperer and gave me a gift I will cherish always.
My family has always done Christmas well. My parents always got my brother and I great gifts but we learned early on that the joy of Christmas isn't about how much stuff you get. It's about the thought behind the gift, but more importantly, it's about being with the people you love and celebrating Jesus. I hope that we can instill those lessons in our children someday.
So here's to being snowed in, to a wonderful end to the Christmas season (although Charles will yell at me for that and say that Christmas lasts until Epiphany) and the last month of 2012!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Monday, December 10, 2012
Tis the Season
December is quite the month. There is the Christmas craziness (which I try to avoid as much as possible) and holiday parties and then throw our wedding anniversary on top of that and you get a really hectic month. In the past, I have tended to be a little bit of a Grinch at Christmas. If you know me, you know that I really don't like spending money. And the Christmas season usually costs quite a bit of money. You have presents, and travel, and anniversary dinners and/or getaways, and work parties and gift exchanges and by the time Christmas rolls around I'm usually just grumpy and stressed. On top of that, I'm not really a gift person. I'm pretty content with the amount of stuff that I have (although I always would like more shoes), and I hate clutter and I'm not one to keep things around for sentimental value. Because I don't care too much about getting gifts, I'm also not very good at buying gifts. I'm usually looking for the cheap, easy thing that's on someone's list that doesn't take a lot of thought and that I don't have to face the masses in order to get. This sounds really awful, I know. But it's the truth.
Please understand that I LOVE Christmas. I love getting a tree and decorating it, and hanging up lights around the house. I love listening to Christmas music from Dec 1 through Dec 25th (but not a moment before). I love that Charles and I get each other ornaments each year. I love spending Christmas Eve with my family and the big Christmas brunch that we have. I love going around and opening our presents one at a time. I love the food and the family and the love. I couldn't care less about the "stuff."
This year, however, things are different. I have caught the Christmas bug. Maybe it's because I spend more time at the mall now that Charles works there. Maybe it's because this is the happiest I've ever been at Christmastime in the last 7 years. Maybe it's because I've discovered the joy of being thoughtful in my gift buying and that it's FUN to think of things people would like without just buying off a list. Maybe it's because, with Charles working, money isn't so tight. Maybe it's because we aren't in boxes this year (last year we moved the week before Christmas, on our anniversary, and that totally killed the spirit). Maybe it's because we got our tree December 1 so it felt like Christmas earlier and we weren't as rushed. It's hard to really know. But I do know that I am just loving this season!!
Another reason I'm loving this month is because Charles and I are renewing our vows this year on our anniversary. Without going into any detail, I'm just going to say that the last 7 years have been HARD. Marriage was not what I was expecting, nor was I prepared for the number of challenges we have faced. There have been a lot of mistakes and hurts on both of our parts. But in the last six months or so we have renewed our commitment to each other, for better or worse, and we have never been happier. Marriage is finally starting to be what I hoped and dreamed it would be. In Charles I have a companion, a friend, a lover, and someone that I LOVE to go home to every night. So when Charles told me that he invited some of our friends over to our beautifully decorated house and that we were going to renew our vows, I was overwhelmed and overjoyed. There will never be a better time to take this step than now. I didn't cry the first time we got married, but I know that I'm most likely going to be a blubbery mess this time around because I KNOW what those words mean. I KNOW what the "worse" part of "for better or worse" looks like. I KNOW the work that is involved, and the sacrifices and the compromises that need to be made, and the unconditional love, grace and forgiveness that needs to be constant in order for our marriage to be what it was intended to be.
And because I now know this, it means so much more. And it means more to hear those promises from Charles (again) when he has loved me even when I was completely unloveable. And I'm so excited to share this with a small group of our dearest friends - some of whom are aware of all of our gory details, some who know bits and pieces, and some who are just faithful friends who constantly encouraged us, prayed for us and loved us. We would not be where we are today without these people in our lives.
So yeah... I am completely overflowing with love and joy this season. No more Grinch for me. :)
Please understand that I LOVE Christmas. I love getting a tree and decorating it, and hanging up lights around the house. I love listening to Christmas music from Dec 1 through Dec 25th (but not a moment before). I love that Charles and I get each other ornaments each year. I love spending Christmas Eve with my family and the big Christmas brunch that we have. I love going around and opening our presents one at a time. I love the food and the family and the love. I couldn't care less about the "stuff."
This year, however, things are different. I have caught the Christmas bug. Maybe it's because I spend more time at the mall now that Charles works there. Maybe it's because this is the happiest I've ever been at Christmastime in the last 7 years. Maybe it's because I've discovered the joy of being thoughtful in my gift buying and that it's FUN to think of things people would like without just buying off a list. Maybe it's because, with Charles working, money isn't so tight. Maybe it's because we aren't in boxes this year (last year we moved the week before Christmas, on our anniversary, and that totally killed the spirit). Maybe it's because we got our tree December 1 so it felt like Christmas earlier and we weren't as rushed. It's hard to really know. But I do know that I am just loving this season!!
Another reason I'm loving this month is because Charles and I are renewing our vows this year on our anniversary. Without going into any detail, I'm just going to say that the last 7 years have been HARD. Marriage was not what I was expecting, nor was I prepared for the number of challenges we have faced. There have been a lot of mistakes and hurts on both of our parts. But in the last six months or so we have renewed our commitment to each other, for better or worse, and we have never been happier. Marriage is finally starting to be what I hoped and dreamed it would be. In Charles I have a companion, a friend, a lover, and someone that I LOVE to go home to every night. So when Charles told me that he invited some of our friends over to our beautifully decorated house and that we were going to renew our vows, I was overwhelmed and overjoyed. There will never be a better time to take this step than now. I didn't cry the first time we got married, but I know that I'm most likely going to be a blubbery mess this time around because I KNOW what those words mean. I KNOW what the "worse" part of "for better or worse" looks like. I KNOW the work that is involved, and the sacrifices and the compromises that need to be made, and the unconditional love, grace and forgiveness that needs to be constant in order for our marriage to be what it was intended to be.
And because I now know this, it means so much more. And it means more to hear those promises from Charles (again) when he has loved me even when I was completely unloveable. And I'm so excited to share this with a small group of our dearest friends - some of whom are aware of all of our gory details, some who know bits and pieces, and some who are just faithful friends who constantly encouraged us, prayed for us and loved us. We would not be where we are today without these people in our lives.
So yeah... I am completely overflowing with love and joy this season. No more Grinch for me. :)
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thankful November
I thought about doing a Facebook post every day about what I'm thankful for, but then I decided that, since it takes me a month to actually post my blogs anyway, I am better off keeping track on here. Rather than big swooping lists like I have done in the past, I will do daily things that I am thanking for. So here is my list of things I'm thankful for - one (or two or three) for each day leading up to Thanksgiving!
I'm Thankful...
November
1- for my smart and kind husband who is dedicated to me and to his studies. I'm thankful that I had the chance to see him in "action" at the Presidents Dinner in Toronto and that he wanted me by his side for the evening!
2- for glimpses of sunshine amidst days and days of rain and brainstorms that end up saving me hours of work!
3- for long car trips with my dad, time spent with family I don't get to see often, and plays that portray profound truths (and have amazing sets).
4- for an extra hour of sleep, and for my husband who did almost all of my weekend cleaning while I was away and finally finished reading my favorite book with me (A Tale of Two Cities).
5- that I have the opportunity to get my Masters degree, and that I have a great job!
6- for surprise gifts of chocolate (even though I'm trying so hard to be healthy), for grace and continued reconciliation in some of my closest relationships, and Chinese fortune cookie reminders to be cautious because I am easily prone to temptation.
7- for a day in the office to wear jeans and clean/organize, eat good food and have some time to relax with my co-workers. And that the election is finally over.
8- for opportunities to share my music with people, and that I have a husband who always pumps my gas for me.
9- that my brother got a full time job WITH BENEFITS at the University of Rochester! (And hopefully this means I'll get to meet up with him for food/coffee sometimes!)
10- that I have a family that loves and supports each other through both trials and celebrations and that we actually enjoy spending time together!
11- that we found a solid church family that we love and that is focused on helping meet the needs of those in the community... and that still sings hymns.
12- for classes that make me think, for a couple warm days in late fall, and for the fact that I survived my first day without chocolate or cheese!
13- that even though it's super cold out, and it's dark so early, that I have a warm house to go home to, and a husband that I love to go home to. So unbelievably thankful for the changes in my life and marriage over the last few months.
14- that my heart is beginning to change and that I'm beginning to desire wholeness in all areas of my life - in my relationship with God, within myself (emotionally, mentally and physically), my relationships with others, etc. I have been learning some difficult lessons about self control this month and I'm thankful that I have met all the different challenges head on and (so far) come out on top!
15- for dinner with a great friend, who knows my greatest faults and thinks I'm great in spite of my silliness and stupidity!
16- that I live a 1/2 mile from a decent grocery store. It's no Wegmans but it's a huge improvement over the Houghton Jube.
17- for nice sunny days this late in autumn , for a delicious dinner out with my hubby (due to me messing up dinner and almost burning down the house), and apple pie a la mode. (Cheat day started early today. I've been more self-controlled this week than my whole life. I decided I earned it!)
18- that I figured out how to make charts in excel, that I have the ability to run (although not well) even though I hate it, and for cake pops.
19- for PTO and that even though its only Monday, I only have 1 workday left this week. Haven't taken a vacation day since June.
20- for the chance to have lunch with classmates we haven't seen since college, and that I got my official acceptance letter to my masters program today!!!!
21- I'm thankful for the major part that music plays in my life.
22- To be where I am in life. A year ago my life looked so different and I wouldn't trade my life now for anything in the world.
I'm Thankful...
November
1- for my smart and kind husband who is dedicated to me and to his studies. I'm thankful that I had the chance to see him in "action" at the Presidents Dinner in Toronto and that he wanted me by his side for the evening!
2- for glimpses of sunshine amidst days and days of rain and brainstorms that end up saving me hours of work!
3- for long car trips with my dad, time spent with family I don't get to see often, and plays that portray profound truths (and have amazing sets).
4- for an extra hour of sleep, and for my husband who did almost all of my weekend cleaning while I was away and finally finished reading my favorite book with me (A Tale of Two Cities).
5- that I have the opportunity to get my Masters degree, and that I have a great job!
6- for surprise gifts of chocolate (even though I'm trying so hard to be healthy), for grace and continued reconciliation in some of my closest relationships, and Chinese fortune cookie reminders to be cautious because I am easily prone to temptation.
7- for a day in the office to wear jeans and clean/organize, eat good food and have some time to relax with my co-workers. And that the election is finally over.
8- for opportunities to share my music with people, and that I have a husband who always pumps my gas for me.
9- that my brother got a full time job WITH BENEFITS at the University of Rochester! (And hopefully this means I'll get to meet up with him for food/coffee sometimes!)
10- that I have a family that loves and supports each other through both trials and celebrations and that we actually enjoy spending time together!
11- that we found a solid church family that we love and that is focused on helping meet the needs of those in the community... and that still sings hymns.
12- for classes that make me think, for a couple warm days in late fall, and for the fact that I survived my first day without chocolate or cheese!
13- that even though it's super cold out, and it's dark so early, that I have a warm house to go home to, and a husband that I love to go home to. So unbelievably thankful for the changes in my life and marriage over the last few months.
14- that my heart is beginning to change and that I'm beginning to desire wholeness in all areas of my life - in my relationship with God, within myself (emotionally, mentally and physically), my relationships with others, etc. I have been learning some difficult lessons about self control this month and I'm thankful that I have met all the different challenges head on and (so far) come out on top!
15- for dinner with a great friend, who knows my greatest faults and thinks I'm great in spite of my silliness and stupidity!
16- that I live a 1/2 mile from a decent grocery store. It's no Wegmans but it's a huge improvement over the Houghton Jube.
17- for nice sunny days this late in autumn , for a delicious dinner out with my hubby (due to me messing up dinner and almost burning down the house), and apple pie a la mode. (Cheat day started early today. I've been more self-controlled this week than my whole life. I decided I earned it!)
18- that I figured out how to make charts in excel, that I have the ability to run (although not well) even though I hate it, and for cake pops.
19- for PTO and that even though its only Monday, I only have 1 workday left this week. Haven't taken a vacation day since June.
20- for the chance to have lunch with classmates we haven't seen since college, and that I got my official acceptance letter to my masters program today!!!!
21- I'm thankful for the major part that music plays in my life.
22- To be where I am in life. A year ago my life looked so different and I wouldn't trade my life now for anything in the world.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Reflection on my 20s
I had a birthday last month and thus entered the last year of my twenties. In looking back over the last ten years, I can't believe how much I've changed, my life has changed, how many places I've been and lived and how many things I've done. If I had to use one word to describe my 20s it would be this: tumultuous. Things have been ever-changing and kind of rough, if I'm going to be completely honest with you. My twenties had some fun moments but I can't say they've been my best ten years. I've made some really good decisions and some really really bad ones. I've loved a lot and I've lost a lot. I've hurt people and I've been hurt. I've had some amazing adventures. I've tried new things and succeeded, and tried other things and failed.
I'd like take a trip back 10 years and see just how full the last decade had been.
20 - I turned twenty just before my junior year of college. I worked at Kodak that summer with my dad. I was in a serious relationship with a guy who I thought about marrying. (And didn't, I might add. I hadn't even MET Charles when I turned 20, even though he was on the same campus as me.) I ended up going through a really hard break up that lasted most of the year. I went to Ireland that year with my parents, brother and grandparents on a trip I'll never forget.
21 - Summer of my 21st year I traveled with Godspeed (a music team). It was, to date, the best summer of my life. It was stretching and challenging and exhausting and very, very rewarding. Also that year I started dating Charles, got engaged to Charles, went to Russia and graduated from college. (In that order.)
22 - I got my first real job - Hillside Children's Center. It pretty much popped the little bubble I'd lived in when I saw what much of the world was really like. I worked with great people and made some great friends. Most importantly, I got married!!! We had a small apartment in the home of some close friends. We played tons of games, had tons of fights, and learned some hard lessons that year.
23 - We lived with my parents for a few weeks before we moved to Australia. That was one of the roughest years of my life - although in the prettiest setting! However, in spite of the difficulties, we met some people that we will cherish forever. It was also the only year of my 20s that I didn't have an official job and got to sleep in a lot. (Although I stayed PLENTY busy being a pastors wife - cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, leading worship, going on house visits with Charles, trying to stay sane...)
24 - We went to New Zealand (for our official honeymoon) and visited friends and hiked in the Bay of Islands. We moved to Kentucky. I got my first job in a Financial Aid office as a Financial Aid Consultant. (Basically, it was a long shot job that I completely lucked into. And by "lucked" I mean it was a complete God-thing.) I met Kate Patterson - my future sister-in-law and one of my closest friends. We lived in the crappiest apartment of all time.
25 - We went to Israel on an archeological dig. I got my first office with a window. Charles got his masters degree. We vacationed in Florida and I got to introduce Charles to the wonders of Disney World.
26 - We moved back to NY after I got a job as a Financial Aid Counselor at Houghton College (my alma mater). We lived in the most beautiful apartment you've ever seen, on 40 acres with woods and a pond, we had great landlords. I went to California with my family for my cousin's wedding and we ran our first 5K!
27 - I got my first promotion - to Senior Financial Aid Counselor. Charles started his PhD and commuted to Toronto every week. We vacationed in DC, which I had never been to before. I started giving piano lessons.
28 - I got a job as Assistant Director of Financial Aid at the University of Rochester. We moved to Avon. We looked around for Churches but never quite settled on one. We went on a couples vacation to Florida and Charles and I went to Chicago where i got to watch him present a paper at a big conference. My granda died. Charles and I made some major decisions regarding our lives and our marriage and those decisions are starting to pay off.
To sum up: in the last 10 years I've had 7 jobs (not counting Aural Skills tutoring and piano lessons), lived in 8 different places, been to 5 different countries, and had way too many adventures to recount. It has been a crazy, crazy decade. With that kind of topsy-turvey life it's no wonder we have no plants and 1 betta fish!
29 - has started out tumultuous as well. Charles is working a PT job in the city, teaching a class in Toronto AND working on his comps. We became a 2-car family for the first time in our (almost) 7 years of marriage. I was just promoted to Senior Assistant Director of Financial Aid and am jumping head first into deep and scary waters of interfaces and supervising. I started my first Masters class this fall at the Warner School of Education. It's challenging and it makes me think about my future career but so far I'm LOVING it! Life is definitely different now that homework is involved again. In spite of all the stress that constant change brings, Charles and I areprobably definitely the happiest we have ever been! We've fought our way through some giant obstacles and are starting to see the light on the other side. We also found a church that we love which has been a huge answer to prayer. We've reconnected with some old friends, which was desperately needed. That being said, I'm hoping that as my 20s brought adventure and craziness that my 30s will bring adventure but also some stability. As I near the end of my twenties and enter my thirties I'd like to start thinking about a family. I'd like to buy a house. I'd like to really turn my life around from what it has been and start following God in a way that I haven't since my early 20s. I'd like to learn to control (or even get rid of) my temper. I want to learn to love better. I want to be challenged in my work, but stick to one place of employment! I want Charles to graduate with his PhD. I have so so many dreams and I'm so excited for what life is going to bring in my next 10 years.
I'd like take a trip back 10 years and see just how full the last decade had been.
20 - I turned twenty just before my junior year of college. I worked at Kodak that summer with my dad. I was in a serious relationship with a guy who I thought about marrying. (And didn't, I might add. I hadn't even MET Charles when I turned 20, even though he was on the same campus as me.) I ended up going through a really hard break up that lasted most of the year. I went to Ireland that year with my parents, brother and grandparents on a trip I'll never forget.
21 - Summer of my 21st year I traveled with Godspeed (a music team). It was, to date, the best summer of my life. It was stretching and challenging and exhausting and very, very rewarding. Also that year I started dating Charles, got engaged to Charles, went to Russia and graduated from college. (In that order.)
22 - I got my first real job - Hillside Children's Center. It pretty much popped the little bubble I'd lived in when I saw what much of the world was really like. I worked with great people and made some great friends. Most importantly, I got married!!! We had a small apartment in the home of some close friends. We played tons of games, had tons of fights, and learned some hard lessons that year.
23 - We lived with my parents for a few weeks before we moved to Australia. That was one of the roughest years of my life - although in the prettiest setting! However, in spite of the difficulties, we met some people that we will cherish forever. It was also the only year of my 20s that I didn't have an official job and got to sleep in a lot. (Although I stayed PLENTY busy being a pastors wife - cleaning the house, mowing the lawn, leading worship, going on house visits with Charles, trying to stay sane...)
24 - We went to New Zealand (for our official honeymoon) and visited friends and hiked in the Bay of Islands. We moved to Kentucky. I got my first job in a Financial Aid office as a Financial Aid Consultant. (Basically, it was a long shot job that I completely lucked into. And by "lucked" I mean it was a complete God-thing.) I met Kate Patterson - my future sister-in-law and one of my closest friends. We lived in the crappiest apartment of all time.
25 - We went to Israel on an archeological dig. I got my first office with a window. Charles got his masters degree. We vacationed in Florida and I got to introduce Charles to the wonders of Disney World.
26 - We moved back to NY after I got a job as a Financial Aid Counselor at Houghton College (my alma mater). We lived in the most beautiful apartment you've ever seen, on 40 acres with woods and a pond, we had great landlords. I went to California with my family for my cousin's wedding and we ran our first 5K!
27 - I got my first promotion - to Senior Financial Aid Counselor. Charles started his PhD and commuted to Toronto every week. We vacationed in DC, which I had never been to before. I started giving piano lessons.
28 - I got a job as Assistant Director of Financial Aid at the University of Rochester. We moved to Avon. We looked around for Churches but never quite settled on one. We went on a couples vacation to Florida and Charles and I went to Chicago where i got to watch him present a paper at a big conference. My granda died. Charles and I made some major decisions regarding our lives and our marriage and those decisions are starting to pay off.
To sum up: in the last 10 years I've had 7 jobs (not counting Aural Skills tutoring and piano lessons), lived in 8 different places, been to 5 different countries, and had way too many adventures to recount. It has been a crazy, crazy decade. With that kind of topsy-turvey life it's no wonder we have no plants and 1 betta fish!
29 - has started out tumultuous as well. Charles is working a PT job in the city, teaching a class in Toronto AND working on his comps. We became a 2-car family for the first time in our (almost) 7 years of marriage. I was just promoted to Senior Assistant Director of Financial Aid and am jumping head first into deep and scary waters of interfaces and supervising. I started my first Masters class this fall at the Warner School of Education. It's challenging and it makes me think about my future career but so far I'm LOVING it! Life is definitely different now that homework is involved again. In spite of all the stress that constant change brings, Charles and I are
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Things that moved me
Today is Father's Day. I'm blessed to have a truly wonderful dad. He's always been loving, supportive, hard-working... he's taught me so much about life and love and sacrifice. And for all those things he really hasn't had to say a word. His actions say everything.
So today I was so glad to spend time with him doing stuff like going on a motorcycle ride, getting ice cream, getting dinner and going to a concert in the park.
But throughout the day I kept watching other people. (People watching is one of the most fascinating things ever.) Sometimes I get sad over the state of humanity. But days like today I see people and how they love and how they interact, and it moves me.
One thing that was different today than all other Father's Days I have experienced so far is that this is the first Father's Day in which neither of my parents have fathers. That definitely changed the dynamic of the day a bit. So I rode with my dad (on the motorcycle, of course) to the cemetery today where we met my mom and put some flowers on Grandpa and Granda's graves. We also walked around and remembered some of my other family that is buried there.
I was thinking about how bittersweet it must be for my parents - especially my mom, for whom the loss is so fresh - she no longer has a father to go over and celebrate with, but she can celebrate the wonderful relationship she had with her dad and rejoice over all the years they had together.
As Papa and I were walking back from Grandpa to Granda's grave I saw something that broke my heart. A dad was spending his Father's Day at the grave of his son, who was only 28 when he died. I wondered what he was thinking and feeling. I grieved for him and my heart swelled with love, because I could see how much that man loved his son. As a daughter, although I dread the day and hope it's far, far away, I expect to outlive my parents. I hope that my parents never have to visit my grave.
I saw other things today, though, that made me unbelievably happy: watching a dad dancing away with his young daughter at the concert - bopping around together, spinning her, laughing with her; watching an elderly couple dance together on a boat out on the lake; people from a group home living life and loving the music, and a woman who joined in with their fun and dancing - someone who was so sweet and was not put off by their "differences" but treated them as equals.
I took in all these things and it gave me a renewed hope in humanity. And it encouraged me to live my life to the fullest - full of love and laughter - and to cherish the time I have with everyone who is in my life. I learned today that the simplest day to day moments can be the source of our greatest joy and the makings of my best memories.
So today I was so glad to spend time with him doing stuff like going on a motorcycle ride, getting ice cream, getting dinner and going to a concert in the park.
But throughout the day I kept watching other people. (People watching is one of the most fascinating things ever.) Sometimes I get sad over the state of humanity. But days like today I see people and how they love and how they interact, and it moves me.
One thing that was different today than all other Father's Days I have experienced so far is that this is the first Father's Day in which neither of my parents have fathers. That definitely changed the dynamic of the day a bit. So I rode with my dad (on the motorcycle, of course) to the cemetery today where we met my mom and put some flowers on Grandpa and Granda's graves. We also walked around and remembered some of my other family that is buried there.
I was thinking about how bittersweet it must be for my parents - especially my mom, for whom the loss is so fresh - she no longer has a father to go over and celebrate with, but she can celebrate the wonderful relationship she had with her dad and rejoice over all the years they had together.
As Papa and I were walking back from Grandpa to Granda's grave I saw something that broke my heart. A dad was spending his Father's Day at the grave of his son, who was only 28 when he died. I wondered what he was thinking and feeling. I grieved for him and my heart swelled with love, because I could see how much that man loved his son. As a daughter, although I dread the day and hope it's far, far away, I expect to outlive my parents. I hope that my parents never have to visit my grave.
I saw other things today, though, that made me unbelievably happy: watching a dad dancing away with his young daughter at the concert - bopping around together, spinning her, laughing with her; watching an elderly couple dance together on a boat out on the lake; people from a group home living life and loving the music, and a woman who joined in with their fun and dancing - someone who was so sweet and was not put off by their "differences" but treated them as equals.
I took in all these things and it gave me a renewed hope in humanity. And it encouraged me to live my life to the fullest - full of love and laughter - and to cherish the time I have with everyone who is in my life. I learned today that the simplest day to day moments can be the source of our greatest joy and the makings of my best memories.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
What would people say
Much of my time last week centered around Granda's calling hours and funeral. Planning, preparing, making sure everything got done and people got where they needed to be. And finally came the time that we sat down and focused on Granda. Hundreds of people came to pay their respects - people from all walks of life. Staff of the McDonalds my grandparents frequented, men who worked for Granda when they were teenagers, people who knew him from the farm, from church, from all over. Every single person shared about what a great man Granda was. What a hard worker. How respected.
At the funeral, with the stories people told and what we knew about Granda, there was no doubt that he loved Jesus more than anything and wanted everyone he knew to know Him as well.
It made me think about my own life. I know Granda had 87 years to leave a legacy, but what would people say about me if I died? (This is rhetoricl, btw.) Would it be surface stuff - she was also so happy and chatty! Or would it be deeper - she really loved people and invested in them! And would people talk about my love for God and how I had a passion for sharing about him?
I don't know. I really don't. And my focus on life and death and the ever-after this week has really made me think about the legacy that I will leave someday.
And I'd like it to be like the legacy Granda left.
At the funeral, with the stories people told and what we knew about Granda, there was no doubt that he loved Jesus more than anything and wanted everyone he knew to know Him as well.
It made me think about my own life. I know Granda had 87 years to leave a legacy, but what would people say about me if I died? (This is rhetoricl, btw.) Would it be surface stuff - she was also so happy and chatty! Or would it be deeper - she really loved people and invested in them! And would people talk about my love for God and how I had a passion for sharing about him?
I don't know. I really don't. And my focus on life and death and the ever-after this week has really made me think about the legacy that I will leave someday.
And I'd like it to be like the legacy Granda left.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Always Remember
Hearing news of a loved one passing is a lot like hearing about a national catastrophe - you will always remember where you were when you heard the news. I will always remember that I was on a train heading to Chicago (away from my family) when I got the call that Granda passed away. It was not an unexpected call nor a dreaded one, since he was ready to go. But it still made me very sad. I am so wonderfully grateful that he was in my life for the past 28 years and I'm so so thankful that was my mom was able to be with him all day today - just sitting and holding his hand and talking to him. I'm also thankful that he went quickly. It was less than 2 weeks ago that he began his rapid decline.
There is nothing like death to make you think about life - life lived and life yet to come. Over the last week and especially now, I am flooded with memories of Granda. I want to share some of my favorites.
1) When I was a fairly young girl, Granda pulled out the little wooden flute that he had played in a marching pipe band in Northern Ireland. He always played this cheery little tune. I loved it! When I got a little older I started playing the flute and I learned to play that little tune. I remember how thrilled he was! I still remember it and play it now and then. I think I'm the only person he passed that down to so I will always remember and will pass it on to my children and tell them about their Great Granda.
2) My family is big on tradition and one that I cherish most is Christmas Eve. The entire family always congregates at Granda and Nanny's, usually really late at night after our respective Christmas Eve services, and we'd feast. And then Granda would read the Christmas story from Luke. Every year. No matter who reads that story now, I always have, and always will hear it in a raspy, Irish brogue.
3) I love that growing up I always lived on Granda's farms. I remember my very first day of Kindergarten going out to the barn before getting on the bus to see Granda. I remember how he taught me to yell in the silo and hear the echo. As I grew up, one of my favorite things was getting to help on the hay wagon. Granda would call and we'd don our leather gloves and either scurry up the piles of hay in the wagon or run up to the loft in the barn to catch the hay on the other end and stack it neatly. It was hot and dirty and scratchy but we loved being able to help Granda. And before I was too big to help I loved that it was my job to carry down glasses of cold water! And he was always so strong. I remember him picking up heavy hay bales that had fallen off the elevator and hoisting them high over the side of the wagon. I remember one time feeling just sick because I'd been helping with hay in the wagon, and Granda let me use the ice pick he'd brought with him from Ireland to grab hold of the bales. We were finished and taking the wagon back up into the field. I had hung the ice pick over the side of the wagon and it fell off somewhere. I knew that it was Granda's favorite and I searched and searched for it but never found it. Granda was so sweet about it though. He never got mad, never made me feel bad... But doing hay was never quite as easy after that without the pick.
4) I remember Granda spending his time giving the family, and often a gang of our friends, hayrides in the back fields. I loved the hayrides and loved having a Granda who did it for us so willingly and so often. But even better than the hayride was when he'd let me sit up next to him on the tractor itself! I would sit up there and grin and sing and I felt that I was on top of the world.
5) I remember a lot of little things like how he was always puttering around fixing the tractors, and how my friends couldn't always understand his accent and the ones who didn't ask me to interpret would sometimes leave asking "what did he say??" I remember his lectures. You knew you were loved if you got a Granda lecture. I remember how he always told me how pretty I was and comment on how tall I was and then he'd crack up when I'd show him my 3 inch heels. I remember how he'd always lecture us on health and how he swore he got his strength and energy because he only ever ate Total or oatmeal for breakfast. Later in life he decided he liked McDonalds breakfast better. I'll remember how he developed a fondness for Pepsi in the last week of his life, never really being a soda drinker before that. He loved to sing and I always loved hearing him sing in church. And he loved it when mom and i would sing together. He even taught me how to dance a jig!
6) One of my favorite memories will always be the year we went to Ireland with Granda and Nanny. There was nothing more special than getting to drive through the town he worked in, or sitting in the house he grew up in and hearing stories of his childhood. It was fun hearing him reminisce with his brother and sister about their times together. They laughed so much! He always told us the story about the day he left for America - how they stood on the deck of the ship and waved to the shore and sang "fare thee well to the green fields of Ireland." Granda knew that trip would be his last to the homeland and my seat on the plane was in front of his when we took off for home. It was a beautifully clear day (somewhat unusual for Ireland) and as I watched Ireland grow smaller I heard Granda singing softly behind me, "fare thee well to the green fields of Ireland."
7) I'll remember that the last thing I ever said to Granda was that I loved him.
And standing in the back of the train thinking about Granda's life and death, I think of my own life. I believe that I will see Granda again someday, and not as the frail man that just moved on, but as the strong, healthy man he always was. It certainly takes the sting (though not all the pain) out of his death. I keep thinking of the way C.S. Lewis describes heaven at the end of The Last Battle and how this life is merely the cover and title page and I know that Granda is just now starting chapter one of the best story ever.
So yes, our family lost a deeply loved Patriarch today and the world lost a really great man. But heaven is rejoicing and I can't help but smile when I think that Granda is now reunited with his parents and brothers and is in the place his heart always longed to be. I love you, Granda. You will be greatly missed but I will see you again.
There is nothing like death to make you think about life - life lived and life yet to come. Over the last week and especially now, I am flooded with memories of Granda. I want to share some of my favorites.
1) When I was a fairly young girl, Granda pulled out the little wooden flute that he had played in a marching pipe band in Northern Ireland. He always played this cheery little tune. I loved it! When I got a little older I started playing the flute and I learned to play that little tune. I remember how thrilled he was! I still remember it and play it now and then. I think I'm the only person he passed that down to so I will always remember and will pass it on to my children and tell them about their Great Granda.
2) My family is big on tradition and one that I cherish most is Christmas Eve. The entire family always congregates at Granda and Nanny's, usually really late at night after our respective Christmas Eve services, and we'd feast. And then Granda would read the Christmas story from Luke. Every year. No matter who reads that story now, I always have, and always will hear it in a raspy, Irish brogue.
3) I love that growing up I always lived on Granda's farms. I remember my very first day of Kindergarten going out to the barn before getting on the bus to see Granda. I remember how he taught me to yell in the silo and hear the echo. As I grew up, one of my favorite things was getting to help on the hay wagon. Granda would call and we'd don our leather gloves and either scurry up the piles of hay in the wagon or run up to the loft in the barn to catch the hay on the other end and stack it neatly. It was hot and dirty and scratchy but we loved being able to help Granda. And before I was too big to help I loved that it was my job to carry down glasses of cold water! And he was always so strong. I remember him picking up heavy hay bales that had fallen off the elevator and hoisting them high over the side of the wagon. I remember one time feeling just sick because I'd been helping with hay in the wagon, and Granda let me use the ice pick he'd brought with him from Ireland to grab hold of the bales. We were finished and taking the wagon back up into the field. I had hung the ice pick over the side of the wagon and it fell off somewhere. I knew that it was Granda's favorite and I searched and searched for it but never found it. Granda was so sweet about it though. He never got mad, never made me feel bad... But doing hay was never quite as easy after that without the pick.
4) I remember Granda spending his time giving the family, and often a gang of our friends, hayrides in the back fields. I loved the hayrides and loved having a Granda who did it for us so willingly and so often. But even better than the hayride was when he'd let me sit up next to him on the tractor itself! I would sit up there and grin and sing and I felt that I was on top of the world.
5) I remember a lot of little things like how he was always puttering around fixing the tractors, and how my friends couldn't always understand his accent and the ones who didn't ask me to interpret would sometimes leave asking "what did he say??" I remember his lectures. You knew you were loved if you got a Granda lecture. I remember how he always told me how pretty I was and comment on how tall I was and then he'd crack up when I'd show him my 3 inch heels. I remember how he'd always lecture us on health and how he swore he got his strength and energy because he only ever ate Total or oatmeal for breakfast. Later in life he decided he liked McDonalds breakfast better. I'll remember how he developed a fondness for Pepsi in the last week of his life, never really being a soda drinker before that. He loved to sing and I always loved hearing him sing in church. And he loved it when mom and i would sing together. He even taught me how to dance a jig!
6) One of my favorite memories will always be the year we went to Ireland with Granda and Nanny. There was nothing more special than getting to drive through the town he worked in, or sitting in the house he grew up in and hearing stories of his childhood. It was fun hearing him reminisce with his brother and sister about their times together. They laughed so much! He always told us the story about the day he left for America - how they stood on the deck of the ship and waved to the shore and sang "fare thee well to the green fields of Ireland." Granda knew that trip would be his last to the homeland and my seat on the plane was in front of his when we took off for home. It was a beautifully clear day (somewhat unusual for Ireland) and as I watched Ireland grow smaller I heard Granda singing softly behind me, "fare thee well to the green fields of Ireland."
7) I'll remember that the last thing I ever said to Granda was that I loved him.
And standing in the back of the train thinking about Granda's life and death, I think of my own life. I believe that I will see Granda again someday, and not as the frail man that just moved on, but as the strong, healthy man he always was. It certainly takes the sting (though not all the pain) out of his death. I keep thinking of the way C.S. Lewis describes heaven at the end of The Last Battle and how this life is merely the cover and title page and I know that Granda is just now starting chapter one of the best story ever.
So yes, our family lost a deeply loved Patriarch today and the world lost a really great man. But heaven is rejoicing and I can't help but smile when I think that Granda is now reunited with his parents and brothers and is in the place his heart always longed to be. I love you, Granda. You will be greatly missed but I will see you again.
Monday, May 21, 2012
Short Stories of an Irishman
The last few days have been challenging for my family. My Granda (grandfather), always healthy and on the go, was just diagnosed with cancer and has begun a VERY rapid decline. Because of who my grandfather is, none of us want to see him suffer for a long time but it's the first time in my own life that I've watched someone I love go from life to death so quickly. My dad's dad died when I was twelve - very unexpectedly during a routine surgery. So although that death was hard, all the grieving was post-death. We didn't have to watch him decline. That being said, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about life and what it means. My Granda's life is always one that I've wanted to emulate - it's full of adventure and love and godliness...
That being said, let me tell you a couple short stories.
The first story is one of adventure, endurance, hard work and success.
Granda was the second of four siblings born in Northern Ireland to a farming family. Although he was very smart, he had to leave school at 14 to help with the farm. By his early 20's he owned and ran his own flax mill. Also, in his early twenties he decided his life needed some adventure and change so he sold the flax mill, bought a ticket, hopped on an ocean liner and came to America. Once here, he bought a motorcycle and a farm. He was very successful and ended up with 4 farms! He worked those farms for years and years and when he "retired" he gave up the dairy cows, sold 3 of the farms and still kept on farming the fourth. I can't remember a day in my growing up life that I didn't see Granda out baling hay or fixing tractors. Even into his mid 80s he was out there throwing hay bales.
Now let me tell you a love story.
Granda had been in the US for quite a few years... working hard on the farm... enjoying the single life... when one day his cousin asked if he would give her a ride to Pennsylvania to visit one of her friends. Granda said yes and off they went. As he pulled into the house and he saw a beautiful 16 year old girl walking up the hill, pals of water in hand, handkerchief around her hair. Granda took one look at her and said "that's the girl I'm going to marry." So he met her and wooed her, and they wrote letters back and forth for 2 years until she was 18 (and he was 32) and they got married and he brought her to New York. Fifty five years, 5 children, 13 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild later, they are still very much in love. You don't see many marriages like that anymore. A few years ago they were telling us how their car was getting close to 200,000 miles so they watched the odometer and when it hit them mark they "pulled over and smooched." I think that is one of the cutest stories ever.
The third story is about godliness.
I don't have a specific story to share because Granda's life is, as a whole, a story of godliness. I remember hearing so many stories of him telling Jehovah's Witness about Jesus when they came to his door, or friends that would stop in and visit, or even the folks at McDonalds. No matter where he went, people knew him and loved. It was impossible not to. And everywhere he went people knew what the most important thing in his life was - his God and his family.
What a rich, rich family heritage I have!
That being said, let me tell you a couple short stories.
The first story is one of adventure, endurance, hard work and success.
Granda was the second of four siblings born in Northern Ireland to a farming family. Although he was very smart, he had to leave school at 14 to help with the farm. By his early 20's he owned and ran his own flax mill. Also, in his early twenties he decided his life needed some adventure and change so he sold the flax mill, bought a ticket, hopped on an ocean liner and came to America. Once here, he bought a motorcycle and a farm. He was very successful and ended up with 4 farms! He worked those farms for years and years and when he "retired" he gave up the dairy cows, sold 3 of the farms and still kept on farming the fourth. I can't remember a day in my growing up life that I didn't see Granda out baling hay or fixing tractors. Even into his mid 80s he was out there throwing hay bales.
Now let me tell you a love story.
Granda had been in the US for quite a few years... working hard on the farm... enjoying the single life... when one day his cousin asked if he would give her a ride to Pennsylvania to visit one of her friends. Granda said yes and off they went. As he pulled into the house and he saw a beautiful 16 year old girl walking up the hill, pals of water in hand, handkerchief around her hair. Granda took one look at her and said "that's the girl I'm going to marry." So he met her and wooed her, and they wrote letters back and forth for 2 years until she was 18 (and he was 32) and they got married and he brought her to New York. Fifty five years, 5 children, 13 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild later, they are still very much in love. You don't see many marriages like that anymore. A few years ago they were telling us how their car was getting close to 200,000 miles so they watched the odometer and when it hit them mark they "pulled over and smooched." I think that is one of the cutest stories ever.
The third story is about godliness.
I don't have a specific story to share because Granda's life is, as a whole, a story of godliness. I remember hearing so many stories of him telling Jehovah's Witness about Jesus when they came to his door, or friends that would stop in and visit, or even the folks at McDonalds. No matter where he went, people knew him and loved. It was impossible not to. And everywhere he went people knew what the most important thing in his life was - his God and his family.
What a rich, rich family heritage I have!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Strengths and Weaknesses
Awhile back I took the Strength Finders 2.0 test. (It was fascinating and I highly recommend it for everyone!) I went in to it feeling pretty darn confident that I knew what my top 5 strengths would be. I was right on 3/5. Two were fairly surprising, being I hadn't even put them in my list of secondary strengths. My 5 strengths are as follows.
Communication
Woo
Consistency
Positivity
Input
The ones I was surprised about were Consistency and Input. Once I read the definitions and really thought about it, I could see how that made sense. I often think about my strengths when I'm in work and social situations. I think about how I can use these strengths to create a better environment for me and those around me. But I got to pondering the other day (sometimes I do that) and I had this realization - just as people always talk about how our weaknesses can be our strengths, strengths can also be the source of our greatest weaknesses. I am a perfect example. It has often been characteristics of these 5 strengths that have put me in positions in which I am very, very weak.
I will give a general example. #2 on my list is Woo. Send me into a social situation (say a bar, for example), and I am most happy when I can just flit and float from person to person, meeting new people, finding out about them, etc. etc. By the end of an evening I have made many new acquaintances, learned many things about people and shared many "interesting" tidbits about myself. That's fine! It's a great skill to have when job interviewing, finding a new church, etc.
However, one of my top 5 strengths is not prudence. So sometimes I have a hard time finding the line of "how much information is too much to share with someone I just met." Also, I tend to lack sensitivity and don't think about the fact that I may have gone to the bar with someone who is not as social as I am, and came to spend time with me and then I have ditched them in favor of meeting and chatting with many other people whilst they are left alone feeling quite uncomfortable. And possibly hurt. Or angry.
That being said, I was thinking the other day that it's great to know what my strengths are so that I can hone them, use them to my advantage. But I would like it if someone put together a "Weakness Finders 2.0" test. I can sit and list of a lot of weaknesses I'm aware of: stubbornness, impatience, anger... (I could go on and on) but I have a feeling that if I could really identify my 5 greatest weaknesses, 1) I might be surprised as to what they actually are (kind of like consistency and input - once they are identified they make sense but I never would have identified them myself) and 2) I could make a solid effort and strengthening those areas. I have a feeling putting concentrated effort in to those areas would automatically clean up a lot of other areas in my life. But right now, just looking at list of 5 strengths and what i feel is a list of 5000 weaknesses, I don't even know where to start. It's so daunting.
So if you, reader, are someone who's interested in psychology and have an entrepreneurial kind of brain (I do not), I charge you with coming up with a "Weaknesses" test. I would take it!
Friday, May 4, 2012
Life is Like a Box of Chocolates
Forrest Gump once said: "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."
As I reflect on the last few (or more) years of my life, I can say that that has never felt so true. At the same time, I'm also torn by this sentiment because I also feel that life is what you make it. Let me set up my current situation in life for you. It was not too long ago that I took one big long look at my life and thought to myself "Who am I?"
Rewind 28 (almost 29) years. I was born. I grew up in a really functional, healthy, loving family. I was a "good" kid overall. I graduated from high school. I went to college. I met a good man and fell in love. I got engaged. I graduated from college summa cum laude with a degree in Music Composition. I got a job. I got married. The first 22 years of my life went by very quickly (although sometimes not quickly enough for my taste) and fairly easily. The day I got married I felt like I knew who I was and what I wanted in life.
Fast forward 6 years to a couple weeks ago when my husband looked at me and said "I don't know who you are anymore." I really couldn't get angry because in that moment I realized that I didn't know who I was either. And I didn't know where I was going. I had a good job but other than that I had no real purpose.
So that's why I decided to start this blog. I've blogged in the past and it was really helpful for 1) my sanity and 2) processing. I like to look back and see where I've been. And at times when where I've been is not something i want to be reminded of, its incentive to move forward. So this is going to be a blog that I write whilst "rediscovering myself."
One thing that I DO know about me is this. I'm a planner. If I don't have a plan, nothing is going to change and I'm not going to go anywhere or do anything or become anything different from what I am now. And I want to be more than that... for my sake, for my husband's sake, for any future children that we may have someday's sake...So I've decided that there are some basic habits that I want/need to start practicing to kick off this time of self-discovery. It's going to be my 10-step plan to Rediscovering Me.
1) Honesty/Transparency. If I can't be honest about my past and present, to others or myself, then I don't have a basis or foundation for any kind of change. I've learned that one must get to the bottom of their rottenness and lostness or whatever you want to call it, in order to build a new foundation.
2) Continual Learning. My brain is never idle. Ever. And I've decided that one way to focus my life and move forward, not just sit complacently in the present, and to make myself ever-better (in the spirit of my employer's motto), is to continue my education. That being said, I'm going to enroll in a Masters Program in the fall. I'm going to pursue a Masters of Science in Higher Education Administration (and perhaps specializing in Student Affairs). And although I balk at giving up the free time I have to reading text books and paper writing for the next who-knows-how-many years, I'm excited for the things I'll learn, the way it will discipline me (because juggling full-time work at this job and school is going to take major discipline or I will fail miserably) and the potential is has to further my career, which I really enjoy.
3) Kindness. Don't get me wrong, I'm a nice enough person. I like most people and, as a whole, I think most people like me. I'm friendly, that's for sure. But there is more to kindness that friendliness. So I'm going to work on basic kindness, starting with those closest to me, and the ones that are often the hardest to be kind to.
4) Incorporate adventure into my life in healthy ways. I may be structured and not very spontaneous at all, but I am most definitely an adrenaline junky. And I find that when I get bored or my life has no element of adventure or risk, I get in to trouble. So, I would love some ideas from you, readers, on healthy ways to have adventure in your life.
5) Exercise. I find that I just feel better when I exercise. I feel better about me and therefore, feel better about those around me. Maybe it's just the endorphins, but I think I'm definitely more pleasant to be around when I'm feeling fit and healthy.
6) Laugh more. I used to laugh all the time. And I realized not too long ago that laughter hasn't been as prevalent in our house. And I want it to be something that I do with my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers... Laughter truly is the best medicine.
7) Try new ways of doing old things. I am a very habitual person. I get ready the exact same way every morning. So, rather than get frustrated when my ways aren't working, I want to work on finding new ways to do things that may have a better result. Seems so "duh" but it's hard for me. I'm stubborn. I want MY way to work.
8) Positivity. I took the Strength Finders 2.0 test not too long ago and Positivity was in my top 5. And I think most people would see me that way. But the more I've looked deeper into myself, I realize that I have become pretty pessimistic and helpless about things that are closest to me. And I want that to change. I want to expect the best and strive for the best.
9) Invest in friendships. At this stage in my life I have a lot of acquaintances but very few close friends. And that has been the pattern for most of my life. But I really want to put forth more energy in investing in those friendships because, with the way my life has been in the past few years, those friends haven't known the real me.
10) Love. I love my husband and in the past little while my feelings of love for him have increased exponentially. But I have been really really crappy at showing him the last few years. And although a "start over" or "clean slate" is impossible, I want to start as new and fresh as we can. Because we are one, and the whole purpose of marriage (I'm learning) is not just sharing a house and finances and a bed, but sharing life - so rediscovering myself also means rediscovering (or maybe just truly discovering for the first time) him. And the man I'm married to now is vastly different from the man I married 6 years ago... just as I am a very different person. And in rediscovering myself, I have to open myself up so that HE can also rediscover me. Life is about learning and growing together and I feel that we have really failed in that area and it's something that I want to change more than anything else in the world.
So all that said, I am Cherith Ann and this is my new beginning.
As I reflect on the last few (or more) years of my life, I can say that that has never felt so true. At the same time, I'm also torn by this sentiment because I also feel that life is what you make it. Let me set up my current situation in life for you. It was not too long ago that I took one big long look at my life and thought to myself "Who am I?"
Rewind 28 (almost 29) years. I was born. I grew up in a really functional, healthy, loving family. I was a "good" kid overall. I graduated from high school. I went to college. I met a good man and fell in love. I got engaged. I graduated from college summa cum laude with a degree in Music Composition. I got a job. I got married. The first 22 years of my life went by very quickly (although sometimes not quickly enough for my taste) and fairly easily. The day I got married I felt like I knew who I was and what I wanted in life.
Fast forward 6 years to a couple weeks ago when my husband looked at me and said "I don't know who you are anymore." I really couldn't get angry because in that moment I realized that I didn't know who I was either. And I didn't know where I was going. I had a good job but other than that I had no real purpose.
So that's why I decided to start this blog. I've blogged in the past and it was really helpful for 1) my sanity and 2) processing. I like to look back and see where I've been. And at times when where I've been is not something i want to be reminded of, its incentive to move forward. So this is going to be a blog that I write whilst "rediscovering myself."
One thing that I DO know about me is this. I'm a planner. If I don't have a plan, nothing is going to change and I'm not going to go anywhere or do anything or become anything different from what I am now. And I want to be more than that... for my sake, for my husband's sake, for any future children that we may have someday's sake...So I've decided that there are some basic habits that I want/need to start practicing to kick off this time of self-discovery. It's going to be my 10-step plan to Rediscovering Me.
1) Honesty/Transparency. If I can't be honest about my past and present, to others or myself, then I don't have a basis or foundation for any kind of change. I've learned that one must get to the bottom of their rottenness and lostness or whatever you want to call it, in order to build a new foundation.
2) Continual Learning. My brain is never idle. Ever. And I've decided that one way to focus my life and move forward, not just sit complacently in the present, and to make myself ever-better (in the spirit of my employer's motto), is to continue my education. That being said, I'm going to enroll in a Masters Program in the fall. I'm going to pursue a Masters of Science in Higher Education Administration (and perhaps specializing in Student Affairs). And although I balk at giving up the free time I have to reading text books and paper writing for the next who-knows-how-many years, I'm excited for the things I'll learn, the way it will discipline me (because juggling full-time work at this job and school is going to take major discipline or I will fail miserably) and the potential is has to further my career, which I really enjoy.
3) Kindness. Don't get me wrong, I'm a nice enough person. I like most people and, as a whole, I think most people like me. I'm friendly, that's for sure. But there is more to kindness that friendliness. So I'm going to work on basic kindness, starting with those closest to me, and the ones that are often the hardest to be kind to.
4) Incorporate adventure into my life in healthy ways. I may be structured and not very spontaneous at all, but I am most definitely an adrenaline junky. And I find that when I get bored or my life has no element of adventure or risk, I get in to trouble. So, I would love some ideas from you, readers, on healthy ways to have adventure in your life.
5) Exercise. I find that I just feel better when I exercise. I feel better about me and therefore, feel better about those around me. Maybe it's just the endorphins, but I think I'm definitely more pleasant to be around when I'm feeling fit and healthy.
6) Laugh more. I used to laugh all the time. And I realized not too long ago that laughter hasn't been as prevalent in our house. And I want it to be something that I do with my husband, my family, my friends, my co-workers... Laughter truly is the best medicine.
7) Try new ways of doing old things. I am a very habitual person. I get ready the exact same way every morning. So, rather than get frustrated when my ways aren't working, I want to work on finding new ways to do things that may have a better result. Seems so "duh" but it's hard for me. I'm stubborn. I want MY way to work.
8) Positivity. I took the Strength Finders 2.0 test not too long ago and Positivity was in my top 5. And I think most people would see me that way. But the more I've looked deeper into myself, I realize that I have become pretty pessimistic and helpless about things that are closest to me. And I want that to change. I want to expect the best and strive for the best.
9) Invest in friendships. At this stage in my life I have a lot of acquaintances but very few close friends. And that has been the pattern for most of my life. But I really want to put forth more energy in investing in those friendships because, with the way my life has been in the past few years, those friends haven't known the real me.
10) Love. I love my husband and in the past little while my feelings of love for him have increased exponentially. But I have been really really crappy at showing him the last few years. And although a "start over" or "clean slate" is impossible, I want to start as new and fresh as we can. Because we are one, and the whole purpose of marriage (I'm learning) is not just sharing a house and finances and a bed, but sharing life - so rediscovering myself also means rediscovering (or maybe just truly discovering for the first time) him. And the man I'm married to now is vastly different from the man I married 6 years ago... just as I am a very different person. And in rediscovering myself, I have to open myself up so that HE can also rediscover me. Life is about learning and growing together and I feel that we have really failed in that area and it's something that I want to change more than anything else in the world.
So all that said, I am Cherith Ann and this is my new beginning.
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